Category Archives: Personal
It’s been a rather busy time in my neck of the woods, since my last post (which was a month ago) things have taken a drastic change. I have kept this quiet up until now. I bought a house, Truth be told I purchased the house at the beginning of December.
This is my first really major purchase, ever. To me the purchase of a house signifies growing up, something that I am quite honestly terrified of doing. Don’t get me wrong, I have purchased large things in the past, when I was 18 I bought a brand new car. It was a 2002 Hyundai Accent GSI hatch back, it had a total of 47 km on it when I bought it and I loved it. I drove that until 2005 when it was written off, it had about 80,000 km on it – it was still under warranty. The accident was not my fault, the guy that rear ended me was texting and driving (just one reason I had a small celebration when the texting law went into place.) I then purchased a Jeep, it was older – 1992, I was able to pay for that out right with my payment from the money I got from my accident. Just this past year I purchased a 2008 Dodge Dakota, so you see I have purchased large things, but nothing quite as big as a house.
The responsibility of purchasing a car vs. a house are drastically different. I did not purchase this house alone, my younger brother Cordee purchased it with me so I am not in this alone, I do not think is as apprehensive as I am about this whole thing, then again I do not think he has a particular aversion to growing up.
The month of December was filled with packing and organizing and packing some more, we moved into our new place on the 1st of January. No I did not make a mistake, you read that correctly, January 1st at 6am I was getting ready to move a house. For most people January 1st is the day they are nursing a hang over, I didn’t party on the 31st because I knew I had to be up and moving on the 1st.
It is a nice house, unpacking is taking a whole lot less time than it took to pack, I did however make a mistake. A rather big mistake in my world, I forgot to set up the Telephone, cable and internet – I remembered the important stuff like heat, power and water. So for now I have no internet access, and will not have internet access until the 23rd of this month. How than am I writing this? Simple, I am at my moms house using her internet connection because after a week without internet I was feeling a little detached from the world, I hate admitting that.
I have been on my own since I was about 18ish, I have lived in various places and never realized exactly how much furniture I do not have. Seriously, I lack pretty much every piece of furniture that you need in a house. I do not have a couch, or a bed, or a kitchen table,or a dresser or a TV. OK so I do have a couch, kind of. Its a futon, but I am sleeping on the mattress right now on my floor. Needless to say my house looks kind of ridiculous, its OK though, next weekend my bed will be in my house, my living room will have a couch – no TV, but that’s optional. I will use one of my laptops as TV, I may not have actual TV but I have so many DVDs that are still unopened that I will be kept entertained for a few days anyways.
If you were to talk to anyone I know (friends especially) they would all tell you that I am outgoing, very loud, opinionated and VERY outspoken. Which is true, to a point. I am all of those things and probably a whole lot more, unless you are a stranger and then… I come across as a stuck up bitch, or extremely socially awkward. The truth is I am not a bitch, I am pretty friendly if you can crack me open. When I meet new people my lips refuse to open, my tongue gets tied, my mouth gets dry and my body get tense. I get sick to my stomach. I am incredibly shy, I am pretty sure when they wrote the book “Little Miss Shy” they wrote it about me.
For the most part the shyness is overcomeable and it does not always affect my day-to-day life, unless of course I am starting a new job, or going somewhere that requires me to interact with normal humans on a regular basis, or puts me completely out of my comfort zone i.e. Asking for directions makes me almost crap my pants. I have found ways to over come some of the shyness for the most part BUT – and there really is a big but (and no I am not talking about my behind), it always sneaks in and ruins things, and forget meeting new people (which I love doing BTW).
I have contemplated carrying a sign around that says this:
I guess part of the reason I am writing this is because,I have been single for 4 years, and I THINK I am ready to stick my toe in the water. I have always said being single was my choice, for the most part it has been – I was helping raise my niece, I was busy with school, I have mass commitment issues due to some pretty fucked up past relationships, BUT then on the other hand there is the fear of rejection (who doesn’t have that right?), and well face is who wants to date a girl that doesn’t talk? I also have had some pretty nasty body image issues (they have been taken care of now though) – as in who wants to date the short fat chick? Yeah the answer to that is NO ONE. I digress, I am an awesome person, I have a wicked sense of humor, I am caring, honest (to a fault) and super kind, I have mastered sarcasm and possibly taken to the next level, and any guy would be lucky to have me.
I have done internet dating, I have been set up through friends and nothing ever comes of it because I am socially awkward – so terribly socially awkward due to my shyness that 2nd dates never happen.
I have looked at ways to over come the shyness, and nothing helps. NOTHING. I don’t know if there is a class, or a support group or what but I at this point I really would like to attend something that may beat this awful thing in to submission so I can resume living my life-like a semi-normal human being.
Do you know of someone who is able to over come extreme shyness? Have you yourself over come it? How did they/you do it? Please someone help, I would like to meet a really nice guy one day, but being this shy has kind of put a kink in the plan, and do not recommend that I just do it, that would be cause for a panic attack and I am WAY past panic attacks at this point, they hurt and are no fun at all.
I remember being a kid/teenager and writing all over myself – random words, drawings you name it I would put it on my body. I would also get the disapproving sigh from my mother when she would see my latest works of art and she would inevitably say “what on earth were you thinking?” Truth is 95% of the time I wasn’t thinking, I was a kid, and it sounded like it was a good idea at the time.
I am now 28, I have a good job – one in which I do deal with the public sometimes, and I have tattoos, 7 of them to be exact. All of which have a meaning, I also have piercings, 6 of them, my ears are stretched and I tend to not leave my hair one color for very long. None of these things has ever held me back in life. I am a respectable, responsible (most of the time) adult, who is hopelessly addicted to the words douche, fuck, and twat, and I have made the conscious decision that rather than pay thousands of dollars for art that can be stolen I will put it on my body, that way the person who steals it has to take me with them, and I guarantee you that they would return me in less than an hour.
At 20 I had decided I wanted a lotus on my lower back, I had an appointment made and the money saved and everything and 2 days before the appointment the artist called and cancelled because her husband had a heart attack and she would not be able to do the tattoo, but I could reschedule at a later date. I never did reschedule as I took it as a sign from above that it wasn’t meant to be and thank god I didn’t because I would now be the owner of a tacky tramp stamp, and not only that but it would have been done on a whim and without much investigation, or learning on my part. See I believe there is a power out there that stopped me. Read the rest of this entry
I keep saying things are going to change with my blog, and I have all the intentions in the world BUT… it never happens.
I want it to happen, and I know where my problem lies – and that is with the fact that I keep a daily journal of things on a different site, and I do not want to do the same entry twice, so for the next little while I am going to stop doing it over there and do it more here.
However; this blog started out as a weight loss blog, I think I will be changing that because – well lets face it I suck at blogging about weight loss, will it show up? Yeah more than likely because its part of my life but I would like to focus more on things I love, but I really don’t know what I love anymore – I kind of lost myself somewhere between being 18 and 28. Sometimes I think that I am the same girl I was at 18, and then I think OMG I don’t even know who that girl is or was – seriously at 18 I didn’t know what I liked. So in the gigantic scheme of things nothing has changed 28-year-old me still doesn’t have a clue who I am or what I like.
I think I will use this blog to figure out who Pix really is, and what she really loves in life… thats my goal anyways – if I stick to it like I stick to everything else this could be a gigantic disaster.