Category Archives: Random

Reading Instructions… Not This girl.

My life has been pretty tame lately, aside from being slammed into a wall while walking on the treadmill –  that however;  is a story for my weight loss blog.  Or catching my arm on a  door that we keep tools in at work – I ended up with a little angry face bruise, seriously it looked just like a little angry face, unfortunately it was on the back of my arm and I couldn’t get pics, by the time I was near someone to take a picture it was already to faded and almost healed up and any picture would have looked like it was just my arm with no particular reason at all for taking the picture.   Of course there have been the obligatory slips caused by the ridiculous amount of ice around due to the current thaw, freeze, thaw, freeze repeats.   None of these have been blog worthy, well none until tonight.

If you asked anyone who really and truly knew me  they would all pretty much tell you that I would never make a good housewife.  Some of them may even laugh at you if you asked.  I am also pretty sure they could give you a list of reasons as to why.  A lot of them are related to my total disdain for cleaning, or the fact that I get bored easily, or possibly my culinary skills – they are getting better  but they have a long way to go.  Oh and laundry is laughable, I do it, I fold it but I am pretty sure that putting it away is optional, it stays in my laundry basket until I go to wear it. I do the dishes, well actually if I told the truth I load the dishwasher really well!  Andthat is where my whole story starts.

I am somehow really behind on doing dishes, its ridiculous how many I really have.  I am pretty sure they are mating, just to drive me insane.  So before dinner I loaded the dishwasher full of my plastic glad wear and shit, being as I have nothing to pack my lunch in for tomorrow.  I also decide to put one of my water bottles in the dishwasher (the bottle to the left is kind of what my what my bottle looked like except it was blue, not pink.)  I am pretty positive that when I purchased it I made sure it was dishwasher safe, but after going to the website I find that it wasn’t dishwasher safe. My whole plan was to use it for my protein shakes and that shit is like fucking glue and never comes out of the bottle properly and then I end up with a bottle that smells a whole lot like fucking ass, or sour milk or some shit, either way its gross.  So I put it in the dishwasher, don’t think about it, get my dinner and go watch TV, finish dinner and leave the house to go swimming for a while.  I came home and the cycle was over so I open the dishwasher to unload it and you know what I found?  I found a fucking miniature bottle that sort of kind of sorta maybe resembles its former self.

Of course I started laughing  and send a text message to my brother who is at work, that text message read “I shrunk one of my water bottles, like literally shrinky dinked* that shit right up.”  His response was “now the bottle fits your size.”  Which is totally right BUT the lid doesn’t fit the bottom is no longer attached.  It is comical, in a kind of sad sort of way.

What my bottle looks like now

*is Shrinky dinked even a word?  I don’t think it is but I know shrinky dinks are real, I had them when I was a kid…  but what do you call it when you shrink the shrinky dink, shrinky dunking?   Whatever you get my point.

I in noway blame the manufacturer, I should have read the cleaning instructions before putting it in the dish washer, however; I will replace it but with one that is dish washer safe because I would much rather have one that doesn’t decide to go all shrinky dink on me in the future.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Last night was an unfortunate night in my house all around.

First I will tell you the rousing story of me losing to a vacuum cleaner.  I was cleaning my room up and was vacuuming around the edges of the room with just the hose so I could get my dogs little bits of kibble.  I dropped the vacuum  on the floor so I could pick up some clothes and I heard this sound like something was stuck in the end, I turn around thinking perhaps my dog was getting sucked into the vacuum (it could happen, she is tiny).  It wasn’t my dog, it was a sock.  No big deal right?  Yeah that is what I thought too, until I picked up the hose to remove the sock from the end and the sock went up the hose. 

This would not be a huge deal if I had a standard run of the mill vacuum cleaner that you would buy from places like Wal-Mart, but it’s not.  It is a central vac, you know the kind that has a big canister in one part of the house and has the pipes running through the walls?   I THINK the sock just went all the way through, at least I hope it did because I rent this house, I do not want to have to call the landlord and be like “um you know your vacuum cleaner? Yeah I broke it.  Well I didn’t really break it buuuuuuuuuuut there is a sock stuck in the wall somewhere.”  That would just be embarrassing.  I also just want my sock back – it was one I use to work out in.. its important to me.

I am in no way a crafter, I love crafts, I love doing them but every time I finish something it looks more and more like a 5-year-old did the work and not an almost 30-year-old.  However; I am currently in the process of making Christmas Presents for my mom and my gramma.  My niece and I started this project in mid October  so that we could have them done by Christmas, everything is right on schedule.  I do not have pictures of the things because we do not want anyone seeing them and spilling the beans before Christmas, once they are with their new owners I will take pictures. 

In the midst of my crafting I decided a great idea would be to get my glue gun out and glue things on to these decorations so that it wasn’t just paint, paint and more paint.  This is a good idea if you are not clumsy, ridiculously accident prone, or just an unfortunate mess.  I am all of these things and more.  So you can imagine what may have happened.  Last night while putting the final touches on one of the crafts I dropped a little fuzzy pom-pom that had HOT glue on it, not thinking I scooped it up off the kitchen table (that looks more like a kindergarten class had its way with it at the moment) with my index finger and thumb, that’s when it hit me, the hot searing pain of a fuzzy pom-pom adhering itself to my finger. 

Yes you read that right I hot glued a piece of my craft to my index finger.   I didn’t swear or yell though, I sat looking at it in disbelief all the while not computing that the hot glue was really burning my finger.  I did finally realize what I was doing, and unstuck the item from my finger – today though I have a blister, which serves as a constant reminder that I should never be allowed to use anything that could cause bodily harm.

And then I Rage Quit… On A Kitchen Table.

If  you have ever been a gamer, know a gamer, or are thinking about becoming a gamer you know what rage quitting is, or you have at least heard if what it is right?? No?  Well according to urban dictionary Rage Quit is defined as “When overwhelming rage caused by the online gaming world drives you into such madness, you quit from doing whatever the hell it is you’re doing.”

Cordee on a good day

I do not game – unless you consider playing Wii bowling, zumba, fit or the Sims gaming, than I guess I do.    But that is not the point of this post.  I have a brother, we shall call him Cordee ( I am so brilliant, this is actually his nickname that I use frequently).  Cordee games, he is a rage quitter.  His rage quits are often loud and sometimes he seems pretty violent (remotes have flown across the room, chairs have been broken) , and he will punch me if he ever reads this.    Again I digress this is not the portion of the post that has me rage quitting.

I normally don’t rage quit, I rage… but never rage quit.  That is until the other day when Cordee called me and asked me where he could put some crafts I had sitting on the kitchen table.  This is the conversation that happened after:

Me:  Uh… I don’t know.  Somewhere that they won’t get broken please, they are leaving this afternoon.

Cordee:  so… throw them against the wall gotcha.

Me:  No put them on the treadmill, they will be fine until I get home.  Why are you cleaning the kitchen table?

Cordee:  Poker night.  This table is disgusting when did it get used last?

Me:  I don’t know I fucking hate it so I never use it, unless I am crafting and then I use it.

Cordee: oh… I… See…

Me: Yeah its your other brothers table, I fucking can’t stand it.  When I get a place of my own there will not be a kitchen table, all the damn thing does is collect mass  amounts of other people’s shit, and get in the god damn way.

Cordee: whoa, calm down.  It is OK, no need to get angry.  And if there is no kitchen table where will people eat?

Me:  I am not angry, I am stating a fact, while using a lot of profanity.  It’s totally different.  T.V. Trays.

Cordee:  What?????????!

Me: T.V. Trays.  I will have tons of TV Trays and when people eat over they can eat off a fucking TV tray, and they can clean them off themselves.  I seriously hate kitchen tables.

Cordee: yeah well.. um.. I think every place should have a table.

Me: Yours can.  I refuse to have a kitchen table that will collect crap.  I must have counters, but I do not have to have a fucking table.

Cordee: so you will just be like “eat off a fucking TV Tray”?

Me: Damn right I will, and if people don’t like it well too bad for them they don’t have to eat at my damn house!

Cordee: You realize you are rage quitting on an inanimate object right?

Me: yeah so?  Shit.. my office phone is ringing, we will continue this conversation later.

Cordee: laughing – ok, talk to you later.

 

And there you have it people, I rage quit on an innocent kitchen table.  In my defense, the kitchen table in my house is a glass top table (worst fucking thing ever), and it shows every single finger print that is on it, had I been home I may have smashed the damn thing, and then made up a story as to why it was broken.  It also is home to everyone elses shit – none of it is mine.  Mine is all in my room, and that is a totally different discussion.

Zombie Apocalypse, I do believe….

I was asked the other day if I  believe in the Zombie Apocalypse.  The answer to this is Yes.  Yes I do believe in the Zombie Apocalypse, and before you go “pfft this chick has lost her friggen mind!”  Hear me out.   

I believe that one day we may be faced with the fact that the dead are re-animating and that they are living on basic animalistic instincts – which means they will be rabid, and they will be doing their thing to survive.  If it is eating brains than that means Hollywood got something right.    I am not sure how it will spread but really does it matter?  There are a million ways it could happen, drug trial gone wrong, mutated virus etc.  The possibilities are pretty much endless at this point  in time.

This is a serious conversation I had with someone, and these are their questions (in bold) and my answers (not in bold)

Do I think that we are going to have people popping out of the grave yard all decomposed and gross?  No,  not at all but I do believe that if a person is freshly dead, in a morgue or in their house they may be able to be reanimated – provided they have not had an autopsy and are not full of the crap they use to preserve bodies these days. I really do think that through time they will decompose, but after they are freshly re-animated they will look just like a normal human being. 

Will you be able to kill your loved ones if they become a zombie? Yes, without a doubt if it comes down to me surviving or me killing my already dead family member/friend, no questions asked the mother fucker is going down.

Where will you go in the event that there is an outbreak?   I am not sure where I will go, but I can tell you that I will not be going anywhere near an overpopulated urban center, that is where everyone is going to go.  I am going to get the hell out of dodge, until I find a place that I can make into a fortress.

Will you travel alone or  in a group? I would prefer to be alone, really they say strength in numbers but in this case you are only as strong as your weakest link, and if your weakest link cannot handle a weapon or contribute to a group in some way  than you will fail.  So  if anyone is going to be traveling with me they better be prepared to kill some shit, or they can gtfo.

 Now, I am not a crazy person who has my own bunker or a million years worth of supplies or anything like that but I do have a plan, and I do know how I will survive.  Just remember, when shit hits the fan, if you are a non-believer you will be wishing you had someone like me around.

I love my mom

I love my mom. This is a statement that most people say everyday, and with out a doubt they mean it. But I love my mom for so many reasons.
1. She is the strongest person I know – she restarted her life at 45 by going back to school and getting 2 different degrees so she could support my two younger brothers when her and my dad split up.
2. She has a pretty good sense of humor; although she does have many of the same personality traits that Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory has (she has a spot on the couch and if you sit on it she will just stand and make noises, no I am not joking.)
3. She raised 4 of us on a pretty tight budget and we NEVER did with out anything.
4. She is always in my corner. If I ever killed a man and said I was not guilty she would back me 100% – even if she knew I did it. (ok so that is probably EVERY mother out there) But she does always have my back.
5. The list

But I think the reason I love my mother is because she will let me ramble for hours and hours through text messages and she ALWAYS responds. Case in point, yesterday this is the conversation we had, word for word.

Me: I had a dream last night. I removed my ear drum… It like just fell out,
Mom: LOL and you think I am off.
Me: It was so real I had to wake up and check my pillow. How retarded is that?
Mom: To many drugs lol.
Me: Lol I didn’t take anything.
Mom: Lol it happened to your brother.
Me: I know.. But I didn’t take anything. I think I’m mentally unstable lol
Mom: Lol That could be too.
Me: LOL it was the oddest dream I have had in a long time. Seriously it’s not even possible for your ear drum to fall out is it?
Mom: No I don’t thinks so lol
Me: lol
Mom: Thats’ silly lol
Me: Ridiculous
Mom: but a little funny.
Me: Lol so dumb tho my ear drum, of all body parts.
Mom: Could have been your nose
Me: Or my ear.
Mom: or that too lol
ME LOL it was so dumb.

I hate to say this but these conversations happen almost every day. She has yet to commit me into an institution, even though I am pretty sure she worries about my sanity often. Add to that the fact that she continues to have the conversation with me makes her possibly the coolest mom ever.

Music Meme

Not feeling to much like being overly creative so I have decided to do a lame Meme today.

Put your music player on shuffle and for each question hit next song and put in the song title as the answer.

Will I get far in life?
People Hate Me (Murder Dolls)

How do my friends see me?
I’m only happy when it rains (Garbage)

Where will I get married?
What do you want from me (Rehab)

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Skrying (Mudvayne)

What is the story of my life?
All is Fair (Poverty)

What was high school like?
Tired (Everlast)

How can I get ahead in life?
Go Away (Jakalope)

What is the best thing about me?
Are you Sad (Our Lady Peace)

How is today going to be?
The Enemy (Godsmack)

What is in store for this weekend?
Stupid Girls (Pink)

What song describes my parents?
White America (Eminem) – Not even close lol

My grandparents?
Paper Scratcher ( Blind Melon)

How is my life going?
Running Up That Hill (Placebo)

What song will they play at my funeral?
Bottles & Cans (Rehab)

How does the world see me?
Rhinestone Eyes (Gorillaz)

Will I have a happy life?
Die Sci-Fi (Wednesday 13)

What do my friends really think of me?
Hip Albatross (Gorrillaz)

Do people secretly lust after me?
I’m Shady (Eminem)

How can I make myself happy?
Tell on You (Bif Naked)

What should I do with my life?
Hate (Zug Island)

Will I ever have children?
Just don’t give a fuck (Eminem)

What is some good advice?
Turn the Heat Up (Bobaflex)

What is my signature dancing song?
Thief (Our Lady Peace)

What do I think my current theme song is?
My Name Is (Eminem)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Whatever (Butthole Surfers)

What type of men/women do you like?
Motodick (Taintstick)

So apparently my iPod decided that my life would be described by primarily by Eminem, which is funny because I hardly have any Eminem or Our Lady Peace on my it.

Bad Shit Happens… Mostly to me so don’t worry.

  I woke up this morning to a very wet and gross day.  I decided that I wouldn’t let it get me down in anyway,  things in my world have been pretty awesome lately.  I dressed for the weather, I work inside, so it wont be that horrible.  Boy was I wrong.  I forgot I go outside about 5 times a day to go to the bathroom.  I should explain that a bit, I work in a metal shop.  There is a bathroom not even 20 feet from my office but I refuse to use it – Have you EVER been in a shop bathroom?  The shop is fairly male dominant, and face it guys are gross.   So rather than use said bathroom I go to the “clean room.”  Sounds fancy right? Not so much, it is a place that is fairly dust free due to the processes that are being done on the metal.  This is also where  there are 2 bathrooms for women – bathrooms which are not gross, and do not have drawing of naked women on the toilet paper dispenser.   BUT to get there I either have to walk through the shop (more time on my bathroom travel), or go outside and walk to the other building.  No big deal, and it gets me out of my office for a couple minutes. 

This is the face I made

This walk is normally welcome and NOT a huge deal but today, it is a huge deal why?  Because it is raining, and I have to go through 3 different doors to get there, neither of which are sealed properly so water runs into them and sits there waiting for an unsuspecting person to open it and then… BAM. In. Your. Face.    You get hit in the face with the coldest water ever.  I am usually the first person who gets the face full of water so today – being the smart cookie I am, I put my bunny hug hoodie on, pull the hood up and make my way to the door.  First door, I use my toe push the door open and stand aside while the wall of water comes crashing down.  Second door, same thing and I figure I am victorious, I start doing my victory dance and open the third door, being less careful and guess what?  Yeah I got a shower, a nice cold fresh rain shower – well my arm did.    My victory dance ends abruptly, and I walk to the bathroom cursing myself silently, do my business and then begin the trek back to my office.  I let my guard down, completely.   I open the door and start walking out and I got a full on shower.  I am soaked, I feel like a cat that has just been left out in the rain.  I let loose with words I am sure made the trucker who was loading his truck across the street blush. 

I am sure the hole event was kind of funny if you were watching it, the look on my face was much like that of the cat above.  My clothes are still soaked and I am still trying to work up enough courage to go face the door again so I can get more water to drink.  I think for now I will just go thirsty.